2024 thus far | the Lord holds the victory

This year has came with a lot of unknowns, ups and downs, and bumps in the road. I usually get irritated when people talk about new years, as if the Monday through Sunday the week prior is suddenly different than the new but for me my 2024 year did start out drastically different than my 2023 year ended. I ended 2023 feeling like the luckiest girl alive and feeling like life was finally going the way I had planned for it to. I came back from a trip the first week of January and walked into a season of what I imagine hell to feel like some days.

I found myself….

I found myself in a lot of unexpected things, except for one.

I found myself ending a relationship with someone I thought at the end of 2023 was gonna potentially be my fiance one day, because ultimately that’s why we were dating- to pursue marriage. I mean literally we were driving to KY from his parent's house talking timelines, next steps, and areas we needed to grow in or work on together and individually. I was asked by one of my elders at the time upon returning if this was it, and I answered confidently yes. I found myself out of the church for a solid 6 months- where feelings of doubt, loneliness, and darkness crept in. I found myself fighting for restoration and unity with people I once called family, loved like family, and ultimately laid a lot of my life down for- to only be shut out and humiliated.

I found myself at the hospital way too many times, waiting eagerly in the waiting room for 14 days to meet my sweet baby niece Collins, and for her to come home from the Nicu. I waited bedside by my grandma Lou for 4 days, as we prayed that the Lord would grant us more time despite her brain and body being taken over by her dementia. I found myself often leaving her home crying, not wanting to leave her in fear it may have been my last time with her. It’s really hard to grieve a loved one that has yet to be taken home to the Lord, but everyday you watch what used to be an easy task, become harder and harder or impossible. It is even harder to care for a loved one when all the things that made that person who they are, feels as though to be absent in them. She still remains the glue of our family, bringing us together as a family. I found myself on Easter Sunday crawling out of bed in tears and with anxiety searching for a church to attend by myself. I found myself for a week or two working very long hours doing anything I could to avoid going home to where I had to face the reality of what I was feeling and was up against in my depression.

I found myself back at the hospital with my dad, getting scary news that his heart is not in great condition and he has blockage in the widow maker artery.

I found myself on the Sunday morning of June 2nd, attending a membership class of a new church- stuck between excitement, anxiety, and grieving the loss of where I thought I would get married, raise kids at, retire at on staff, and where my family would celebrate my life one day when I meet my Savior face to face. I found myself grieving what I once thought would be forever.  I found myself for a season in a dark state of depression, crying before and after work, not eating, and sleeping way too much- digging to get out and scared of what was going to happen if I didn’t get out of this hole fast. I found myself ignoring countless text, calls, faceTimes in order to avoid answering the hard questions of where I was, why I wasn’t hanging out, and if I was okay. I found myself facing a new trait of MAJOR social anxiety after isolating myself from friends for 2 months. Ultimately I found myself in the darkest of darkest places wondering what the point of continuing on was. I found myself growing tired trying to make sense of a situation where I did as I was told, listened to the wisdom and followed the leader and was still treated as though I did the opposite.

The Victory

Where I haven’t found myself this year though is questioning God’s goodness, His faithfulness, His presence in my life and how tightly He has held me. He truly is such a good God. Exodus 33:14 promises exactly what I felt, "and He said, My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest."

I am so blessed to have my family, a mentor, and a sister in Christ who served in a lot of ways as my counselor and safe space, bosses who allowed me to show up on the hard days and served as my shoulder to lean on, and best friends who bore the burdens and walked alongside of me. I am so thankful for my best friend Bwill who would come to my house while I was working to fold my laundry, do my dishes, leave me notes and remind me almost daily via text of how much she and the Lord loved me. I am so thankful for my brother in Christ Andres who broke my 2 month isolation and who one night came over and reminded me how much I am loved by my friends and cared for despite the distance I had given them. I am thankful for him showing up on a hard morning to sit with me and be a second ear of wisdom as I learned about a new church. I am so thankful for a new loving Pastor & his wife and how they so quickly jumped into walking alongside me and loving me. They have been so intentional in caring for me, praying for me, and sitting in the hard with me.

The hurts that have happened to me this year are not a reflection of our God, it’s a reflection of the broken world we live in, it’s a reflection of the church and pulpit being filled with sinners like me and you! While I still haven’t been able to see the big picture for most of it, I know I will one day. Whether it’s on this side of Heaven or the other, I know I serve a God who paints the whole canvas, not just the corner of it. He completes what He has started. He weeps when I weep and walks alongside of me in the brightest and darkest days. Philippians 1:6 says "and I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Paul literally says HE IS SURE OF IT, and I am too friends. Paul wrote to Phillipi from prison to assure the Phillipians of God's merciful control over his own circumstances but also the Phillipians’ circumstances. God has been so merciful to me, so gracious, so kind, and so loving. There are very much so still dark days, Sundays are dreadful for me but the Lord always provides for me on those days. The beautiful thing about Jesus being 100% human and 100% God, is He knows exactly how I feel on the darkest of days. He knows exactly what I need. He knows what it is like to feel abandoned, to feel alone, and to face depression head on.

While there is a lot of unknowns as to what the future holds for me regarding my granny Lou, my dad’s heart, how long it will take me to get through a Sunday without feeling anxious or crying, if I’ll ever desire to work in the church again, or what serving in the church looks like- I am reminded of who holds it. While in previous seasons, I was led to feel as though a man in the pulpit determined it, I have learned no one here on earth holds the future of my life, not my parents, not my church, not my pastor, and not even me. BUT Jesus does, and my gosh what a gift that is! In the wise words of my pastor’s wife- when the fear of the future or current circumstances start to creep in and cause anxiety, I can rest in the Lord knowing He holds the future of my life & as said above- He is a good God. Mathew 11:28 tells me "come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Something I am thankful this year has done for me is given me a whole new level of empathy for those walking through similar valleys. I never had much grace or empathy for those walking through deep rooted hurts similar to mine. I literally have reflected with my counselor on a facebook post I made several years ago ashamedly about people who are walking through a similar valley as I am. I did not provide much grace, I simply did not know what this valley entailed and if you are someone who has been in this valley much longer than me- I am so sorry. I am sorry you are here, I am so sorry you can relate. I am also sorry that I did not extend the same grace then that the Lord has extended to me recently. This valley I believe holds very treacherous waters and I am so sorry for that. I wouldn’t wish the days I have had on anyone, not even the ones that have led me here.

So if you made it this far, I just want to encourage you that whatever you’re facing, whatever hurt or hang up it is- there is victory, there is a bigger picture. There is a God that hasn’t left your side. Despite the anxiety and depression felt in the valley, despite the dark days where it feels as though the only way to get out is to call it quits, He has already won victory over it all. Attending Boyce, some of my professors would say anxiety and God cannot co-exist in a believer but I believe on this side of Heaven; they very much so can but the difference in them co-existing is that God has already called victory over ALL OF IT. I want to encourage you that God weeps when we weep, and God sees your heart, knows your heart, sees your tears and hears them, and loves you even when His children and church fail to.

Keep fighting, because while I haven’t made it fully out of the tunnel, I see a glimmer of light and I promise the small light I see now was worth the fight to get out of the hole I was in and I know getting to the end will be even more worth it. Keep searching for restoration, unity, healing, and don't give up on His people- we are all flawed, we all have hurt someone we love, and we all have fallen short of the glory of God. We need eachother in this life. I am so thankful that the Lord did not give up on us, I am so thankful that He pursues us, fights for us, and ultimately laid down His very life for us. I am so thankful that my people- my parents, my sisters, my brothers, my friends, my mentor, my counselor, and my bosses did not give up on me. I am so thankful that they fought for me when I couldn’t fight for myself. I am so thankful that they prayed for me.

I will close with this, the title of my site is Checkmate. I will leave you with this reminder- on this side of Heaven the enemy can make moves in our lives just like a chess player can move a game piece, he came to kill, steal, and destroy but the Lord has already won. One day the curtains of Heaven will be drawn and the Lord will return for His children and He will stand in victory over everything. Every sinner and saint will give an account of their life, including me and including you. So when it feels as though the enemy has gained victory over your situation, just remind yourself- the Lord called checkmate on the cross.

Mads